Dear Friend – Goodbye
Its been a few years. I should have maybe wrote you sooner. I wanted to at first but the longer I took, the easier it became not to. I had desires here and there to see you, say hi, chat a bit. But I didn’t. I had already said my goodbye even though it wasn’t heard. I had already looked into your eyes and pored out my heart. I had already extended all I knew how and sadly, it wasn’t received.
Some people experience anger when the desires they express so sincerely are ignored, unheard, or dismissed. This anger can turn into animosity and contention. I didn’t have that though. I experienced sadness.
In my mind I saw a beautiful bird cage. We were love birds in there together. We would sing together regularly. We would try to attract all those apart from us to come share the amazing space with us. To many we seemed naive. Two love birds in a cage, lacking experience and knowledge of what a world there was outside that closed space. To others we seemed to have something desirable and missing everywhere else they had looked. I remember being outside that space and thinking that I wanted to have what I saw in there.
I was, in a sense, a bird with a broken wing. You took me in, provided me food, water, shelter and a love I hadn’t yet known. Every day I fell deeper and deeper in love. I could see no darkness when I looked at you. I could only see beauty, light and strength. And as I spent more and more time with you, I began to see in me those things that I had valued so much in you.
I think this is in part why I felt sad that we parted ways. I thought we were the same. I thought you wanted what I wanted. I thought you saw the same things that I saw. I thought that when the cage door opened, you were right there with me to go fly. When I went to that door and put my head through the invisible barrier, it was as if I could see for the first time. I understood almost instinctively that my wings were meant to help me travel outside. It didn’t take any thought on my part to know what I was to do, it only created confusion because you resisted. You would speak about looking outside the barrier, but you wouldn’t actually do it. What I heard you say is that only others could do that. It wasn’t safe and that if I kept going to the edge, I would eventually not come back.
That’s what I saw in my mind. But in reality it happened one Sunday as I stood before you. I remember pleading with you to come with me. I remember extending my arms, palms open and up, holding a desire so heavy that tears filled my eyes. Time lost its hold as the distance that separates our bodies dissolved into an illusion. We could see eternity, if only for a moment, in each others eyes. Our hearts beat in unison. Our desires were one. The fabric of our beings were intertwined with the universe… and we, for an eternity that lasted only a few short moments, were going to gain knowledge.
I know you felt it. It was a force tangible in the air. I know you heard it. Even the children were engulfed, such that their noises became the songs of angels. I know you saw it. A frequency of light unperceived by the human eye was suddenly comprehended and experienced such that your spirit can not forget.
I remember clearly. It is when I said goodbye. You didn’t understand though. You thought I could say those things without doing it. You thought I could reach for heaven with one arm and hold on to you with the other. But that is not what happened. Reaching for heaven took both my arms and it will likely take both of yours.
It is interesting how you are still a part of me even though I left you a few years ago. I still think about you. I still use phrases and the inside jokes we shared. My language, my thoughts, my vision is very much still influenced by the time we spent together. We were tied so close together that when people see me today they expect to hear an update about you. They are surprised when I tell them that I don’t know what your up to. They look at me confused. They ask me if I am okay, am I happy. I try to tell them how at peace I am without speaking ill towards you. I try to tell them how I have found new love, even a greater love. Some of them are happy for me. Some are just confused.
I know I caused a similar confusion in you when I left. I would have preferred something different but this has turned out okay. I am not mad at you and I hope that you can forgive me. I know that you will find love and that others will find love in you. I wish you the best. I thank you for all that you gave to me.
P.S. – Sorry it took so long. You deserved it sooner.